Monday March 6, 2006
What's worse than rudeness?
Ok, Ok, fine. Miami is a rude town, no denying it. But fighting it? The Miami Herald is going to fight it by lecture its readers? Well, then, that should solve the problem right away. Sure.
It won’t even make a dent. It wouldn’t even make a dent if the writer, Martin Merzer, had a clear point to make. But he can’t make up his mind about whether this is a national problem or a local one. Let’s help him out and stipulate that it’s a local problem. Now why might that be? Actually, the answer is right there in the article, though concealed with some disguised racial language:
The problem can be particularly acute in a place like South Florida, [a random “expert”] said, because of the natural clash of cultures here: Brooklyn meets Boise, Havana meets Homestead meets Haiti.
Yeesh. Let’s try it this way: “Politeness” thrives in small, homogenous communities. You want politeness? Go to any small southern town. Very polite folks – seems that politeness goes hand-in hand with a history of not taking kindly to outsiders. It’s not just because different cultures have different standards of politeness (though that, certainly, is true); our biology instructs us to be less polite to those that are different from us. We can strive against it as individuals, but the aggregate result is that more diverse cultures will tend to be less polite.
You want a more polite society? Try acting polite: lead by example, rather then by front-page decree. The guy in front of you is under no obligation to hold the door open for you, but if you hold it open for him, he might do so for the next person. Get out of my way when I come up behind you in the fast lane on I-95, and I might let someone else merge in front of me down the road. But preaching at me from your newspaper? That’s only going to piss me off.
Witness the test that accompanies the article. It goes beyond unscientific. Picture the questions in a survey, and you quickly realize they’re intended, by their very wording, to lecture rather then to gather information. The smug get smugger, and the rude go read somewhere else.
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Well, depite the fact that the Herald assed it up (I’m shocked, really), I nonetheless feel that this is an incredibly rude city. I’m tired of all these assholes who parade around with a sense of entitlement. I’m tired of being cut off in traffic, and then, when I hold up my arms in the universal “What the F?” sign, I get yelled at or the finger. I’m tired of needing customer service and being ignored while the associate is talking on her cell phone. I’m tired of holding doors open and not even getting a thank you or a nod or whatever. It just feels like so many people here think they’re a celebrity, self-important and self-involved, and that seems to indicate that there’s no room for politeness when you’re hot/stylish/rich/etc., and that they are above basic manners.
Does it make me less polite? No. I am what I am (no Popeye jokes, please!), and I will continue to be the polite, well-mannered Cubanita I was raised to be. But it’s annoying and it sure as hell does make me hate 80% of the people I have to deal with, and it further sours my impression of my hometown. The more pretentious and materialistic Miami becomes, the ruder and cruder it becomes, too.
Sorry to sound so negative and cranky, I don’t feel well today.
/rant over
Yeah, there’s a lot of rude people running around. Of course, when you encounter something like this, it hardly helps:
“What we’re all discovering is that there is this thread of selfishness and entitlement that somehow Americans seem to have acquired. It’s all about me, me, me. This culture of entitlement produces behavior that is uncivil, and it rends society…..It is sort of worrisome. South Florida, in particular, is a frontier town. I mean, you certainly couldn’t have had the Elián [González] controversy or Election 2000 in Kansas. It’s all about ‘my’ people and ‘our’ entitlements and ‘our’ disputes.”
—Ken Goodman, co-director of the University of Miami Ethics Programs, quoted in the same Miami Hurled article.
Get it? Determining Rudeness is the province of the ideologically astute. “Culture of entitlement” is one of those delightful right-wing codes for liberal-inspired shit to ruin life for the rest of society in their soft-headed, warm-hearted, ill-founded attempt to empower the wretched. You know, like getting equal pay for undicked humans and ensuring voting rights for the ones still unlynched. But this slippered academic actually links election fraud to the breakdown of civility and politeness! Why can’t “these people” get back on their side of the tracks (or Gulf of Mexico) where they belong? he wants to know. You wouldn’t have this shit out there in Possum Dick, Kansas where Mexicans point their faces down, Negroes know their place, and everybody’s so polite and nice, at least when you’re back’s not turned.
Yeah rudeness is a problem. But not nearly as serious as the bigotry lurking behind the words of the ones who claim offense.
And so, the perpetual dilemma: fight or flight?
Flight, please! I’m outta here! And this is one of the reasons. I don’t encounter this level of rudeness even in New York City. I don’t have an explanation for what causes it – NYC has far more diversity than Miami and Philadelphia has far less, and I find myself treated better in both.
The writer is on to something with the entitlement angle, though. I definitely get the sense from the driving and the customer service that people don’t think of you as being quite as real as they are. I’ve always thought of Miamians as stuck in a perpetual childhood, no more cognizant of feelings of others or able to defer needs or even capable of self-maintainence (remember the gas and water lines after Wilma?) than a kindergartener.
I have a Colombian friend who was brought up to refer to her parents as Señor and Señora. One day we were at Home Depot and a woman walked up at the counter and said, Mirami, before making her request. I looked over at my friend and said, incredulously, “Look at me?” She leaned back over and said, “Cuban.” Homogeneity doesn’t seem to be enough – there has to be a value placed on civility within the culture itself. And yet I know Cubans who are the very picture of politeness. I have no theory, but I do know that soon it’s not going to be my problem. Good luck with it.
I hear often that New York has gotten relatively polite. Certainly, tho, it once had a reputation as an extremely rude city. Anyone know what happened?
The title for this post might well be, “Shut up! Don’t tell me that I’m rude.” :)
But seriously….well, I for one think the article, which was published in a “Manners” column was spot on. I won’t go into all my reasons but we’ve been talking about it for a day and a half over at SotP.
But this is what I’m wondering about:
“It’s not just because different cultures have different standards of politeness (though that, certainly, is true); our biology instructs us to be less polite to those that are different from us. We can strive against it as individuals, but the aggregate result is that more diverse cultures will tend to be less polite.”
Besides there being no proof cited in this statement, I simply don’t get it. Are you really saying that our genetic make-up causes us to be less polite with people who are not like us? Really? If that’s true, we’re all in for a long haul because I don’t know of any two people who are alike.
Even if you’re only talking about racial or ethnic differences, Alesh….well, talk about “disguised racial language.”
I, personally, have never felt the urge to treat a person less polite because they’re Cuban, Haitian, Venezuelan, German, or Iranian. Perhaps there’s this battle raging inside of me to be impolite to these people but, call me out of touch, I’ve never felt it.
i have no idea where you get the notion that nyc is not as rude as miami. it is the queen of rude, with style. i think perhaps that 911 changed a few things however. in any case, in the outer boroughs, your block is your family and everyone, young and old, reagardless of ethnicity, looks out for each other. it’s an unwritten code of conduct. can’t say the same for here. also, nyc is far less superficial than here. i think that is a big part of it.
i haven’t read the article yet but it’s sitting on the kitchen chair in a heap. the newspapers in sofla suck and that my dears is an understatement. i may bring myself to skim the article on an act of whimsy later on in the week.
don’t bother, mek – i had to force myself to read it all, since i’m commenting on it, but i wasn’t “glad i did.” i’m glad to see not everyone agrees that “NYC is much more polite then it used to be.”
Rick, i was thinking in an Richard Dawkinds/Selfish Gene perspective . . . you see someone, and how kindly you treat them is proportional to how much genetic information you share with them first (ie immediate family is strongly favored above anyone else). if you’re not aware of it, then that matches up perfectly with the theory, which has all of the mechanics happening subliminally. i stress, though, that this is something we should, and do, fight against. still, i think it’s a reality which is proved by the ‘rudeness’ in miami.
the article, BTW, was on the front page, not in no ‘manners’ column.
Franklin, i’m not sure about “NYC has far more diversity than Miami.” I do, agree, however, that there are polite and rude people in every society, nationality, race, and ethnicity. I’m just saying that when you mix them up, the end result is bound to be at least a perception of increase in rudeness.
(for extra credit, is there a difference between “rudeness” and “perception of rudeness”? Somebody please answer!!)
Not to get all yogi on you guys, but the best way to disarm rudeness is to just let it slide like water of a goose’s back. What does being kind and considerate have to do, ultimately, with all this over-analyzed socio-political crap? Just be nice, people! Come on! :-)
Oh, that being said … considering the “keep our waterways clean” sign, I once told a boy who was fishing on a bridge and throwing balled-up fishing line into the water, that this was illegal and that this sort of debris was fatal for turtles and sea birds. Now mind you I was seething inside. “That young Latin punk, breaking all the freaking rules. Just like his father, who’s taking home undersized juvenile snapper.” But he never knew that … I was firm, but polite.
“Queens is the largest in area and second most populous of the five boroughs of New York City. It is coterminous with Queens County in the U.S. state of New York and is located on western Long Island. It is the most ethnically diverse county in the United States.” (source)
and the point is…?
btw, queens is nothing like miami. much more spread out with each area assuming it’s own identity. if you say, i live in Astoria, most people say greek and prety hip. if you say Flushing, they say something else. that may sound like miami, but an important difference is the aspect of mass transit vs car. different regions are defined by what subway train it takes to get there and what cool shops you pass by on foot from the train station to your apartment. you would know stavri who sold you the olives at the market and delia who sold you your fresh bread. your old neighbors would be playing dominoes on card tables and lawn chairs on the sidewalk in front of your apartment complex if it wasn’t snowing. it’s all very neighborhood oriented and you have a sense of place. hardly anyone has a car b/c garages and parking spots are a rarity. not to mention buying new hubcaps every weekend since they are stolen continuously. ok, miami, i know, but i really can’t explain the rudeness difference unless you have lived in the two locales. the neighborhood feel is definately part of it. the anger is different. rudeness in nyc is a survival mechanism, a code of conduct if you will. Rudeness in miami is something yet to be defined. which is really what the article should have been about. Shifting demographics (aka “multi-cultural”) and urban angst.
It’s that old chestnut again: “Sense of Community.”
NYC has one. So do many older cities.
Miami doesn’t. Too new, transient, turbulent.
It’s easy to be rude to people you neither know nor care about,
who in every relevant way are “different”
even if they aren’t really, just “the other.”
Give it time. Another century, maybe
we’ll be all caught up.
I’m not sure it’s a matter of rudeness alone, though rudeness is a symptom, but there seems to be less social connectedness in S. FL than in other places I’ve lived. I think it’s mainly a function of 1) a population that’s exploded in the past few years and 2) a high degree of transience (probably related to 1). So there’s a lot of social turnover, seemingly little permanence, you can be rude because next year you (or the guy you are rude to) might be living somewhere else, people are litigious, insurance is costly, etc. But there is a positive side to the hassles because (if I’m right) they are mainly byproducts of population growth, and the growth not only creates opportunity but happened in the first place because this is an attractive area in which to live. I assume that the rate of population growth here will slow eventually. Maybe people will become nicer then.
BTW, I don’t know NYC but I remember reading recently that its population has been either static or declining for years. NYC is still the premier US city but there must be reasons why so many people from there come to S. FL. I think the good things here outweigh the bad.
Hello from NYC! Written from the 20th Floor overlooking the worlds most impressive skyline… (Miamista is on break so this will be your damn posting). A few issues with comments. NYC is WAY more diverse. People are from EVERYWHERE, not simply different parts of Latin America (more specifically circum Caribbean). Still, there happens to be more Hispanics in NYC than there are people in Dade County. I don’t mean I can flush out A PERSON. It is all around me. I’ve got mini communities from like 50 different countries in a few blocks. (It is a mixed blessing le me tell ya.) And Queens, it is extremely densely populated. So is the rest of the city, which is the reason that there will never be another major population jump. Citizen groups are very powerful here and developers face an uphill battle, like an inverse Miami. Still Brooklyn is going into major overdrive with condo development. Instead the metro region of 30 million people just gets more and more dense. Nassau County, Westchester and Suffolk are wringing their hands about allowing more multi-family housing which is prohibited b/c of the utter lack of affordable housing. Hoboken and East Newark have gone upscale and condo in a way that almost sickens me. As far as rudeness, it exists in NY but it is different. Exp-I find people from many parts of the world think brazenly spitting is acceptable. Since you walk so much in NY it is so much more visable. On the other hand you can’t live your life in such close proximity as you do in NY without everyone being polite (distant but polite nonetheless). The not letting people in / cutting off in traffic is a Miami special and perhaps a cultural thing. Even the dude with the crack pipe in his hand going 80 mph signals. On the highway people let you in (but on the streets you have to bully the cabbies). It’s cultural too. The culture of proximity. Finally, back to the population issue; Giuliani filed a suit against the government for under counting minorities. I recall the funniest cartoon from that period that had a man in a suit in a NYC Fed Census office pondering to himself- “How many stars in the sky, how many drops of water in the ocean, how many minorities in our cities…” PS, the reasons people move varies but there is one big reason I hear cited alot- too many damn people!
Reading what you little green rubes write about NYC is embarrassing. It ain’t even cute cuz you’re all so serious and wide eyed. trying to get your beetle browed brains around something you think you can grasp from a weekend or a travel magazine. Go live there for half a century before you open your yap about one humanity’s most complex and amazing place. Cuz now you know nothin. Fuckin’ nothin.
i opened my yap cuz i lived there for a decade and soaked up all i needed. yes i dodged the fresh spit plops, large rats, homeless shitting on the sidewalk, and the ever popular chinese male specialty, holding one nostril shut while blowing all the mucus from your innards through the other nostril onto the subway platform. i’ve dodged a seat full of maggots on the train, only to find another seat across from a hispanic male exposing himself to to yank his johnson while I feigned interest in my newspaper. and this was all in one day. Sal and Sol, i been there, and I’ll take a jackass cutting me off in miami traffic anyday over it. even tho it is the most complex and amazing place and i miss it everyday. so f-off and i mean that in the most endearing sorta way.
You know, I don’t think that this an ethnic thing. I know nice Cubans and rude ones, nice Haitians and rude ones, etc. – you have all kinds of people in every single ethnic group, and I don’t think that this is what makes Miami such a rude city.
I think that this whole sense of entitlement thing where everyone feels that they are special and can get away with rude behavior is based on the culture that’s been created in Miami where we are (supposedly) some glamorous city full of beautiful rich people, and what happens is that “regular” people buy into that nonsense and go out of their way to live lifestyles they can’t afford, and before you know it, the fact that you drive a Lexus SUV, wear designer clothes and have a little lap dog in a Louis Vuitton raincoat makes you a special person who’s above basic polite behavior. I don’t want to credit or blame MTV and the celebrity world for this, but seriously, we are so overloaded with Paris Hilton, bling bling, “hip” “designer” clothes/gadgets/sunglasses/cars/coffees/blah, blah, blah, that people just begin to assume that these material goods place them above everyone else, so they can go ahead and cut you off in traffic, turn their nose up at you, ignore you, etc.
Loved that mek comment. I can’t say I have ever had any of the homeless shitting on the sidewalk.Ditto the maggot and exposure thing. The train is surpirisingly clean, despite all the riders. But God knows what stunts people pull… But the Chinese thing, OMG, that’s exactly what I was thinking. I didn’t want to say it though b/c it might sound like singling a group out. I visited China last year and they do that (and the hacking cough w/o covering their mouth) there too. Of course I’ve been a NY’er off and on from birth so that S and S comment doesn’t apply.
Hey yo mek! NOW you’re talkin Noo Yaaaaawwk!
Miami isn’t really rude, it is a national trend, and it’s been going on for years. I see old people just as bitter as young. I’ve been in Miami for two months grew up in metropolises on the west coast and there really isn’t a difference. However what you have here in Miami is lazyness, lack of education and structure due to various economic and social upbringings.
is misspelling “laziness” lazy? Looks like it’s not just a Miami trait, then. Otherwise, true enough…
I am from the South and we are the king and queens of “niceness”,(although we may stab you in the back after we open the door for you), to your face we are typically VERY NICE. I think the whole thing is a mixed bag. The cultural thing yes, the majority of the people who grew up in America took driver’s ed and we realize how rude it is to not let someone over once they have used the signal, OTHER cultures may just be just be oblivious to this. For instance my husband is Eastern European and he has no idea that a quick flicker of your lights means, “Okay man, come on in.” My father and brothers hold the door for me everywhere, my husband rushes the door. When I traveled to Europe and got of the shuttle at the airport, all the people rushed the door, men and women alike. But in other ways the other CULTURES are more graceful and polite than we are…I love how when the Latin people greet you they kiss you on the cheek and now I sort of consider it a “Miamian” thing because everyone does it. It may not be politically correct but you know what? It’s nice and it’s sweet. I do think alot of our opinions are based or ruled over the traffic situation and that creates alot of our daily irritations. The traffic situation here in Miami SUCKS and we all know it. I have become a raging lunatic horn blowing freak while driving here…and I NEVER used the horn before. In the South we only use it to say, “hello”, not, “get outta the way MotherF^%$er, I have to get to Target!”